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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 14, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PDT

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health care and then you think to yourself (bleep) why do they have to sign up at all. and then i think maybe she's just lying to me, just to me. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. this say fox news special presentation of the cost of freedom. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody! good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen")
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(cheers and applause) welcome to the "report." right off the bat, ladies and gentlemen, nation, i have just received breaking news about the government shutdown. government, still shut down. (laughter) in fact, midnight tonight is the shutdown's one-week anniversary and i plan on marking the occasion by popping a bottle of bubbley. not champagne, milk. (laughter) food inspectors have been furloughed and -- (laughter) -- for some reason my milk is bubbling now. (laughter) now, ever since republicans voted for this shutdown they have known exactly who's responsible. >> this is president barack obama's shutdown. >> president obama's shutdown. >> the obama shutdown. >> you want my opinion? this is president obama's shutdown. >> stephen: yes, if you want stu varney's opinion this is president obama's shutdown!
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and if you want stu varney's facts, why are you listening to stu varney? (laughter) of course, the president is stubbornly refusing to negotiate on obamacare even though the republicans have been very flexible. >> i'd like to repeal every word of the law. but that wasn't my position even in this fight. my position in this fight was we should defund it. even now with the what the house of representatives has done is a step removed from defunding. it's delaying. >> we've been pretty reasonable as we've worked through this process. i've heard the reference to a full delay or a full repeal. now we're just saying mr. president, can we not just have one-year delay? >> we said, well, what about a one-year delay? we've been offering compromise after compromise. (laughter) but you hear from the president and his men and his women no negotiation. >> stephen: no negotiation, even though every one of those offers is a compromise from the republicans' initial offer-- having mitt romney be president. (laughter and applause) but surprise surprise --
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(cheers and applause) -- surprise surprise, obama wouldn't negotiate on that, either. (laughter) but one thing everyone can agree on is that this is serious business. >> we have to stop playing these foolish games. >> we hope that our democratic colleagues will stop with the games. >> the american people are not pawns in some political game. >> this isn't some damn game! (laughter) >> stephen: that's right! this isn't some damn game! it's this damn game: introducing "not a game." (laughter) the official government shutdown home game. (cheers and applause) from the makers of "not story" and "operation denied due to preexisting condition." (laughter) for pete's sake, what insurance company would cover guy born what lightbulb for a nose. (laughter) now, folks, not a game has
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everything you need to replicate the fun of the real government shutdown. okay, you see, the democrats are a donkey, republicans are an elephant and the tea party is a bug up the elephant's ass. (laughter) now, the spot -- this spot right over here, this is the continuing resolution. you have to try to pass that. now, while this timer right here represents the fast-approaching debt ceiling, so you set that and then ignore it. (laughter) and these are public opinion cards that say how you're polling with the voters. okay? let's give it a whirl. brendan, get on out here. brendan, everybody. (cheers and applause) okay, brendan. brendan, are you ready to play? >> okay, how do we start? >> stephen: the rules are i go first and i refuse to take my turn. (laughter) and you can't take yours until i'm done. >> what? >> stephen: i know you're upset but we're both at fault here so let's negotiate, okay?
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i will agree to take my turn if you agree that i win. >> that's not fair! why even play the game? >> stephen: it's not a damn game brendan! (laughter and applause) people's jobs are at stake here. for instance, your dad. i fired him. >> you did? >> stephen: yes, he is not getting his job back unless you agree to play with me. >> fine, i'll play. just go! >> stephen: okay. all right. so i move one space and i win. now, i just take a public opinion card to see what voters think of me and "public blames you." goddamnit! (cheers and applause) get out! get out, you cheater! (cheers and applause) you tell your dad i'll see him in hell! (laughter)
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nation-- seems like a sweet kid. (laughter) nation, it's the first monday in october, back-to-school day for the supreme court. and i am thrilled because the cases this year are to die for. for instance, "bond v. united states." it's about a pennsylvania woman named carol bond whose husband knocked up her best different so bond spread lethal chemicals on her friend's car, mailbox, and doorknob. the dead giveaway was that one of the chemicals-- potassium dichromate-- is bright orange. it's the reason why ninjas rarely kill with traffic cones. (laughter) but it wasn't the crime that got bond all the way to the supreme court. no, it was her defense. her lawyers argue the law she was convicted under is unconstitutional on the ground that it infringes on the powers reserved to the states under the 10th amendment. amen? i have always said chemical weapons are a state's rights
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issue. (laughter) each individual state should decide what is and isn't poisonous. for example, what we in my home state of south carolina consider a deadly toxin people in north carolina call "barbecue sauce." (laughter) but the case -- (cheers and applause) the case that's really got my gavel is "mccutcheon v. the federal election commission." shaun mccutcheon is challenging the limits on campaign contributions which are currently $2,600 to a single candidate and an overall limit of $123,000 per election cycle. folks, i do not believe that the government should tell us how much money there can be in politics any more than they should tell us how much rat feces dmb a hot dog! it's fine as long as the rats kept kosher. (audience reacts) here to tell us how much rat feces there's going to be in our politics is "slate" legal expert
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and senior research fellow at yale law school emily bazelon. emily, thanks so much for coming back. good to see you. (cheers and applause) all right. all right, em. first of all, is the supreme court -- are they going to have a session? are they essential personnel or are they furloughed. >> they say they're essential. they put out a press release, they're hearing arguments all week just the way they're scheduled. >> so they took three months off and they show up and go "wait, you need to pay us." >> i think they want to be an essential service. they've decided that they are. >> stephen: now, the mccutcheon case. give me nuts and bolts here. what are the limits now? $2600 per person and $123,000. what's the logic behind not letting me donate all i want? >> the logic is that if you have limits you'll have less corruption. so if you could give $2,600 to as many federal candidates you want in a two-year election
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cycle then someone could bundle the gifts together. that would be a great way to exert influence. then you would be the person with the pocketbook who really had the influence. >> stephen: wait. so if i give politicians a lot of money they might do what i want? >> yes, and we worry about that. >> stephen: but that's corruption! >> exactly. and we worry about that has that as the problem of quid pro quo. that's why we have campaign finance reform. >> stephen: i don't speak spanish. what is quid pro quo? whose squid is this? what does that mean? >> it means getting something for something that you give. >> stephen: but all we're giving is speech because the supreme court rules that money equals speech. am i not wrong? >> well, and this case, if the supreme court ruled in favor of shaun mccutcheon could really continue that idea of money equaling speech. but the part that really matters is whether the government has good reason for putting limits on the money. and in this case there's a problem of corruption we just talked about and there's also equality because if rich people can give all the money they want then you have a problem with drowning out everyone else's.
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>> stephen: well, if money equals speech rich people speak really well and poor people have a speech impediment. (laughter) >> and we worry about that problem. >> stephen: who is "we"? do you have a mouse in your pocket? (laughter) i'm not worried at all. i'm worried that my speech will be impeded because-- spoiler alert-- i've got a lot of money. >> and you've been good at raising money for elections but congress worried about people like you exerting too much influence on the process and they worry about all the regular people who can't raise hundreds of thousands of dollars and making sure their voices are also heard and that the candidates hear about their view. >> stephen: well, this court is super liberal now, right. >> it is not. >> stephen: they just approved obamacare, thumb's up and they said everybody's got to get gay married now. (laughter) >> true. >> stephen: true! that's true! you agree with me that's what they said. >> no, they didn't say everybody has to get gay married. >> stephen: but it's recommended. >> no, no. (laughter and applause)
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no, it is not. they said that federal law will give federal benefits to gay couples who are married in states that recognize gay marriage. they did say that. but it's not a liberal court. >> stephen: it's been seven and a half years since a white guy was appointed. that doesn't seem liberal to you? >> i don't think that has anything to do with liberal. >> stephen: it community? >> no, it doesn't. >> stephen: because you're not a white guy. >> this is one of the most conservative courts we've had in modern history. >> which way are they going to swing? >> i think it's very likely the court will cut back further on campaign finance reform. the real question is whether roberts and alito-- chief justice roberts and samuel alito-- will go as far as the other three conservatives who have made it clear that they are really, really, not interested in limits on campaign finance. >> stephen: can i tell you something? everybody throughout should listen to the slate political gal. (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> stephen: and within of the things that's happening right now that until this particular crisis passes there's a slate
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ann that you can look at everyday. i love it. it puts me right to sleep at night. emily bazelon, thank you so much for joining me. emily bazelon. slate, we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. nation, it's no secret i am t.v.'s foremost heart expert. i love it all, your suit man,
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your drippy guy, your apple face your one-yeared vinnie, all the big ones. well, there's one so-called painter that i have a serious beef with. the guy who painted this stuff. british guerrilla graffitiist banksy, an anonymous street artist no one has ever seen. well, folks, brace yourself because the british are coming, the british are coming. >> banksy announced on his web site he's taking up residency in new york this month launching a series of works called "better out than in." the first work appeared on alan street near canal. it shows a child holding a can of spray paint standing on another child's back below a sign that reads "gras feet city a crime." >> stephen: graffiti is a crime. so, nation, call the police if you see this man. (laughter) now, folks, i have got absolutely zero respect for this elusive limey street rat. he's anonymous and his art is public so the jerk doesn't even profit off of it. (laughter) art belongs in one of two
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places: a museum or mounted near the toilet in a billionaire's yacht. (laughter) monet's water lilies really gets the flow going. now, for some reason, the art world is enamored by this criminal and any wall he paints on is torn down and auctioned off for millions. folks, this terrifies me. (laughter) because little known fact, my studio has walls. (laughter) and banksy's new york reign of terror does not end for 24 days and the last thing i want is for the front of my building to be vandalized and its property value to skyrocket. (laughter) in fact, i am so concerned i have that framed out a specific area banksy is forbidden to begrime with his hoodlum graffito. (cheers and applause) no! no! banksy, i know it's tempting as an artist for you to see this naked wall and know that it's off limits for you to inject one
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of your trademark incisive bits of subversive social commentary or maybe just paint me riding a shark. (laughter) but under no circumstances should you use the spray paint left unattended on the sidewalk by my maintenance staff. those were thrown out on my orders. and do not enjoy the selection of tea sandwiches and room temperature new castle ale. (laughter) so once again, banksy, stay away from my studio at 1513 west 54th street between 10th and 11th attitude or near the west side highway if you're coming by car. i'll be watching for you banksy, except between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. when our security cameras usually cut out. (laughter) we'llght bright b
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is for captain who won the america's cup-- though to be fair the wind did a lot of work. please welcome jimmy spithill! (cheers and applause) well, welcome aboard captain jim. thank you, thanks for having me. >> stephen: now the america's cup, for those of you who may not be into big boat sail racing it's the oldest tournament in the world, right?
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>> oldest trowny international sport, predates the modern olympics, over 160 years old. so, yeah, the oldest trophy out there. >> stephen: and you won this for america. >> we kept it here for america. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now i know america pretty well. i'm having trouble placing your accent, though. (laughter) >> it's from the south. >> stephen: it is. pretty deep south. you are from where, sir? >> i'm from the land down under, from australia. sydney originally. >> okay, all right. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: let's explain to the people out there what it was your doing in san francisco harbor for the america's cup. i've done a little bit of ocean sailing but this is almost entirely but not completely unlike sailing. let's show people what we're looking at. explain what's happening in these boats. >> well, the lightest thing on these boats is the foiling.
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so if you look at there, you might have seen laird hamilton on a surf board doing this. now we're doing it on a 72 foot carbon fire multihulls and we have a carbon fiber wing, just like the wing off the side of an aircraft and it is insane. racing on that bay it's like nascar on water. >> stephen: i'm used to being on a sailboat on the water but this looks almost like a spaceship with 130-foot sail and just two cruise missile strapped to it. (laughter) how do you control something that is barely in the water like that? how far do you get off the water when you're cooking? >> you go probably about a meter and a half two meters. >> stephen: i don't speak whatever that is. (laughter) a meter, is that 50 feet? two meters? >> i don't know. 10 foot or something. but i don't think you're ever really in control. it's sort of like riding a motorbike. you're in control until you fall
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off and it's one hell of a ride. >> stephen: what's the festest you go not on the foils? >> not on the foils probably 30 knots. >> stephen: and when the foils kick up how fast do you go? >> then it's like a turbo boost. the only thing that stops you is where the foils just start to -- the water boils around the foils. it's that high a pressure and it's almost like a speed limiter. but as we get better and learn more it's like a quantum leap for us in this sport, we'll figure out how to go faster and faster and top speeds will keep rising. >> stephen: what is the top speed right now >> on our boat about 48 knots. >> stephen: again -- >> (laughter) >> yeah, close to 60 miles an hour. (audience reacts) >> stephen: 60 miles an hour? so you could get pulled over on some highway. (laughter) >> that's right. >> stephen: the founder of oracle larry ellison actually paid for this. $100 million coming out of his pocket. >> larry's been great and a lot of other great sponsors but larry's a real competitor, loves racing and what you saw on the
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bay was his vision. it's something that he's peopled out there and it's such a big step for the sport now. >> stephen: what's it like working for one of the richest member in the world? do, like, 20 bills fall off him? (laughter) >> he's great. the coolest thing about larry is he's self-made. he came from nothing and, you know, that's what i love about him. when he comes down to the base and hangs out with the guys he's just like one of the other guys and i think that's what he loves. when he comes on the boat we treat him like anyone else. he gets yelled at and that's something he's not used to. (laughter) >> stephen: one of the good thing about the america's cup is now that america's got it, we get to set the rules for what the race has to be next time, right? >> correct. >> stephen: who did you sfwhaet >> the kiwis, the new zealand team. >> stephen: as an australian, did that feel good? >> oh, mate. (laughter) you beat those hobbit humpers.
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(laughter) >> i'm not going to lie to you, mate, it feels fantastic. >> stephen: are they the ones that set the rules that it would be on the hydro foil boats is? >> we were the last one, brought it to san francisco bay, pulled out the new boat, new format. now we do it again so we come up with the rules. obviously this is a huge success and for the first time non-sailors are watching sailing on t.v.. who would have thought. >> stephen: like right now. >> like, exactly. so that's what's so cool and exciting. >> stephen: can i suggest somethinging? say to this larry: how about next time same boat but you sail just on an ocean of his cash. (laughter) >> i'll give it a go. i won't promise anything. next time i speak to him i may bring that up. we'll see. >> stephen: what about me? i sail. if you need a crew member, i make excellent ballast. (cheers and applause) 6- >> i tell you what, i brought this hat along because these hats only the athletes wear, only the sailors so i'm in the
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recruitment process so i'm inviting you. whenever you're ready, mate, jump on board. (cheers and applause) james spithill, oracle wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
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>> stephen: that it'
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(snoring) (snoring continues) (jingling) hey. hi. hey. come back to bed and snuggle with me. oh... i wish i could, but i got to go to work. but there's cab fare on the nightstand. that's the third morning in a row you've done that. we're married. i'm already home, silly. right. you're here. we're married, and that's cool. i'm psyched, dude. that's great.


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